Saturday, July 25, 2020

Southwest Portland Man and Rocks Agree to a Cease-Fire


PORTLAND, OREGON — After 4 years of battle, Scott W. Ferguson and rocks surrounding the Retro Ranch have agreed to an immediate cease-fire.


The skirmish started in the spring of 2017 when Ferguson and his wife, Beth Nichols, underestimated the depth of resistance they would encounter in trying to remove and relocate the rocks from the land they called home. 

The rocks, having occupied this territory since the 1960s felt it was their native land and dug in deeply for the ensuing battles and trench warfare. Battle weapons included shovels, rakes, buckets, sifters, wheeled carts and more. Hundreds of thousands of rocks were taken prisoner and relocated to more welcoming lands before the cease-fire was declared.


Ferguson/Nichols are awarding both a Purple Heart and Medal of Honor to their heavy-duty sifting screen as well the Silver Star for valor to George (a 4-wheel all-terrain cart). The rocks declined to comment.


It is hoped that this will be a peaceful co-existence, but a weary Ferguson suspects there will be the occasional flare up due to his wife’s seemingly insatiable plant collecting and garden rearranging appetite.